Hi, Deb Sofield here, thanks for coming to my site. I’m known in the industry as three things: a dynamic keynote speaker, an author and a coach. I love the opportunities I have to help people find their voice and learn to use it for their success. I believe that once you learn the skills to Speak without Fear it will change your life. Once you develop the confidence that your message needs to be heard, that you are the best voice for your message and that you have the ability to speak, you can change the world. [read more...]
Matt P. says, “Deb gets my high praise as a speaker. She has a no-nonsense, uplifting, can-do message that encourages, cajoles, and pushes you to reach your fullest potential. She really convinced me that I could live my best life ever.”
Presidents have them, politicians trust them, sales teams and road shows rely on them – You need an executive speech coach! If you’re in a leadership position you know how important it is to be able to present well.
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Podcast: Go Where You Are Celebrated, Not Tolerated
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Podcast: We Have All Been Placed On This Earth to Discover Our Own Path
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Deb’s Interview with CPA Marketing Genius
Deb’s interview with Salim Omar, CPA – president of CPA Marketing Genius, LLC and author of The Ultimate CPA Practice in the New Economy.
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Word of the Week
“We spend January 1st walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives…not looking for flaws, but for potential.” Ellen Goodman
May Light always surround you; Hope kindle and rebound you.
May your Hurts turn to Healing; Your Heart embrace Feeling.
May Wounds become Wisdom; Every Kindness a Prism.
May Laughter infect you; Your Passion resurrect you.
May Goodness inspire your Deepest Desires.
Through all that you Reach For, May your arms Never Tire.” D. Simone
Boston, MA – Harvard Kennedy School - Women and Public Policy Program
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About this Blog // Lighting your world one word at a time
I saw a poster the other day that said, “Life is an echo, what you send out comes back. What you sow you reap. What you give you get. What you see in others exists in you. Do not judge so you will not be judged. Radiate and give love and love comes back to you.”
That is an interesting, thought that life is an echo. I guess I never thought about it that way. It seems to me that most of the time, when I do something, I assume it dissipates and does not stay around to be recalled back to me over and over like an echo down a mountain path. A few times when I was growing up, due to the location, I was at a place where an echo could be heard. It’s an odd sensation to hear your voice resonate down the canyon. You remember as a kid, or even as an adult, when the opportunity presented itself that you called down the way to hear your voice echo back up to you… hello, hello, hello, those were the good old days…
But it seems now when we speak most of us assume our words go away into the air, never to be heard again. They seem to just dissipate or fall on deaf ears. We do good deeds and someone says thank you and then its over. There are very few times when we expect to reap what we sow – life’s disappointments seem to cloud out that option.
We give to our church, our school, and our community and receive a nice thank you note or a tax write-off, but most of us do not expect anything big in return. I doubt many truly believe that the measure of what one gives they receive in return. And when it comes to the thought that what I see in others exists in me – I hope only the good is what exists in me and nothing else. And of course most of us grew up with the phrase about not judging others (although we all do it) so I’ll leave that one alone for today.
About the only thing on the poster that I knew for certain was if you give love to family, friends, and others, you have a good chance of feeling a sense of love returned. The poster had an effect on me because it seems so true for today’s standards. And if everything I do is mirrored in some way that reflects who I am and what I do or what I believe in – Yikes, that’s an eye opener that I was not expecting.
How about you? If your life is an echo what are you hearing? What are you sending out that comes back to you?
I spend a lot of time on words: why they matter, how they have meaning and how we need to be careful about what we say. If life is an echo and comes back to us, it might hurt us to hear what we said. I used this quote awhile back but I love the thought, “…be sure you taste your words before you spit them out.” And on a gentler note: “Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes are truly endless.” Friends, what are you sending out that is coming back that reflects you – the real you?
I think it is interesting that so many people think they can say whatever they want because it’s their right or they have freedom of speech and they are entitled to their opinion. While all of that may be true, you well know the world doesn’t work that way anymore. If you say it, it will echo back or someone will echo back at you with your words.
I see this in politics and business and the church – from our leaders and those who would like to be. For some reason they don’t think that what they say will be an echo back. They forget that it will be repeated and remembered and posted on Facebook and Twitter and everywhere else. Why anyone would think that is beyond me. When we have so many ways to capture the spoken word and replay it, don’t be surprised when it gets ground into dust.
Friends, we have a responsibility to guard what we send out because it will come back on us. It will reflect how others see us and, just like looking in a mirror, we should want our reflection to show our true heart, our true meaning our true desire. To better state it-our truth and not what others interpret our truth to be.
If life is an echo, let’s think about what we sow in comparison to what we reap. I know that if you sow discord, you’ll reap heartache but if you sow kindness you will reap joy.
Think about how this works in life. You and I know good-hearted people who have sown kindness in word and deed and now, at the end of their days, they are sought out and heralded for their wisdom and kindness. Now compare that to those who finagled the companies books to benefit themselves and a few of their crony’s before the organization fell. No one is reaching out to them unless it is through their lawyer.
Do not think for one minute that you can sow lies, or hate, stealing or revenge without it coming back on you or your family. And let me remind you that if you have found yourself in this predicament friend, make it right while you can. There will come a time when you can’t and the world will be told about your sowing and reaping.
This is the same idea as: “What you give you get.” What do you give to others? Are you generous with your time, your talent, or your money? I know that there is only so many hours in a day so giving away too much will not serve you well. But are you considering what you can give? Are you willing or are you holding back because frankly you just don’t want to? I fully understand that we can only give so much before the well runs dry, but please hear me. I believe you have a responsibility to refresh yourself and give back what you can because others might need what you can provide.
My guest today is a member of SCORE (service corps of retired executives). These are men and women who give back because they have the time and talent. I dare say, to a person, these folks gave of themselves while they sat in the executive chairs, so giving back now is just an extension of who they were then. If you don’t learn to give now it will not be a part of your internal compass later. You will struggle to find your way to receive the blessings of gratitude.
For some of you today, this next phrase-what you see in others – exists in you- is a scary thought. Have you ever found yourself not really liking someone and yet you can’t put your finger on why until someone else says, “oh you’re just like so-and-so.” Then it hits you that you both have the same quirky qualities-yours aren’t that bad of course, but what a rude awakening. If what you see in others exists in you that should give you pause for reflection. If you don’t like what you see, only you can make that change for the better.
I’m not going to spend time on “do not judge,” because frankly we all do it even though we say we don’t and we know deep in our hearts that we should not. I believe that if we saw everyone as our grandmother, grandfather, mother, father, sister, brother, cousin, uncle, aunt or friend, our world would be a very different place. In fact, if that were true we could put the human back into humanity and wouldn’t that be good for all of us?
Finally, “radiate and give love and love comes back to you.” Now this is one we all know is true, but what are you going to do about it? Are you going to give of yourself for others? Are you going to empty yourself for other who you claim to love and care for respect and admire? I hope so because when that happens love really does comes back to you. Love in its purest form comes back to you and that is an echo I think we’d all love to hear.
Life is an echo; all comes back the good, the bad, the false, and the true. So, give the world the best you have and the best will come back to you.
Recently I stepped down from a leadership position that I really enjoyed. I like to be called the Chairman but the reality is I do too much. Not to mention that I am not great at time management – so I had to make some changes to protect what little time I have to do the things that I am required to do. And in my case, the next in line for leadership was a great choice to step in and sail the ship.
It’s never easy stepping away but there comes a time when you know you should. The question is do you listen to that little voice -or- heed the tug in your heart that the organization might be better off without you at the helm. Hard, I know…
I am someone who likes challenging myself to see how well I do (within reason of course) and then once I see that I am up to the challenge it rarely holds my interest. I get bored easy and tend to wander off looking for something else to capture my attention. I’m pretty sure that I am like half the world in that way. The other half of the world will stay until they are asked to leave.
As I work with others, I find it interesting just how full their lives are with things that are not required. I agree that it is good to give back and do your part when you are able, but I wonder if you arel hanging onto projects and organizations that no longer hold your heart and soul.
Are you filling your time to keep busy so you don’t have to do the things you should be doing? You know, things like your taxes, polishing your shoes, cleaning out your car, attic, garage and tool shed. The answer is probably yes.
We fill our lives with things that were, at one time, of great value. Why is it that we hold onto them until we are now just filling a seat? I think it is because many are afraid of being forgotten. Wow-forgotten. It hurts me to even say that. But I have been around long enough to know it when I see it.
My friend Ann gave me some advice a long time ago that I have not forgotten. She said: “…go where you’re celebrated – not tolerated.”
For many of us, the perception of obligations hold us long past the expiration date. And just like the milk label says, “Best if used by a certain date.” When that date is past, you might want to consider leaving.
And let me give you a few reasons why.
No matter how much they tell you they need you to stay, they really do want you to go. They don’t want to hurt your feelings, lose your financial support (that’s a ridiculous threat – really if you can’t stay you wont give – that’s generous of you), or more likely it upset your spouse because now you’ll be home more often. My friend jokingly tells her husband, “I married you for life not lunch and dinner.”
Stepping down is never easy; that old pride gets in the way and the thought of being dispensable hurts. It really hurts the pride, hurts the self esteem and ithurts your heart since it was something you once loved. And even if you do still love it, the time will come when it is necessary for you to move in a new direction. Friends, I hope in life you understand the concept of go where you’re celebrated – not tolerated.
I’m not saying that tomorrow you cancel your membership in all your charitable or service organizations. This year why don’t you consider stepping away from a few of the places that you spend large amounts of time. Nothing makes a heart grow fonder than when you re-appear in a year or two. If you still have an interest after some time, then you can see the results of your years of hard work that built an organization to its prime.
Now I know that my words are going to fall on plenty of deaf ears. Some of you listening today can’t imagine a world without you at the table and while I love your self esteem, it might be misguided my friend.
It is always hard to know when to step away but let me give you a few ideas when you should.
Nothing is so sad as to see people hanging on to power that was lost long ago.
I could go on and on about once great organizations that are now nothing or are damaged permanently. Those organizations suffering because leadership would not let go and embrace the truth of “go where you’re celebrated – not tolerated.” The flame died and the people left and all that was good is now gone.
How about you? Are you hanging on for one last gasp in hopes of being remembered or thought of kindly? If you overstay your welcome that is the last thing people will remember about you.
Let me talk to you directly and move this to your personal life. Do your friends celebrate you or tolerate you? Does the person your dating or even married to celebrate you or tolerate you? Do your work colleagues celebrate you or tolerate you because they have to -at least for a time?
It is hard to reconcile, but you know in your heart the answers to these questions. So now the question is, “What will you do about it?”
I subscribe to the thought that if you keep doing the same thing and expect different results, that is not going to happen no matter how hard you hope. This is why you and I should go where you’re celebrated – not tolerated.
I looked up the word tolerate and here is what it says…
Now compare that to celebrate which means:
Ah, friends, take some time to figure out who celebrates you, who shows happiness that you are you, because it is important that you Go where you’re celebrated – not tolerated for a lifetime.
Have you ever been around someone who makes you feel like you matter? Really that you matter to them and frankly that YOU matter in general? And it is not dependent on what time of day or night, or weekend, or if they are with other friends, or they find you by yourself, or even if they don’t see you for a while. But when you re-connect the way they treat you is with respect, kindness, gentleness, graciousness and sheer unbridled happiness that they got the chance to see you again.
Now you might be thinking that I’m taking about your pet who is always glad to see you. But I’m actually wondering out loud if you know of someone who embodies this type of kindness and sheer happiness when they see you?
Wouldn’t be great if we all knew someone who made us feel like we were somebody and that we mattered. Someone who, when they thought of us it was always with kindness and good thoughts.
I don’t mean to be negative but I would be surprised if 99% of my audience could tell me about someone (who is not a relative or spouse) who treats you with unbridled true love and kindness. Now isn’t it interesting we can all think of a few folks who are always nice or polite or even kind, but it’s somewhat of a stretch to think of someone who lights up when they see us and then makes us feel special.
Wouldn’t it be great if I could find a friend like that for you? Well, let’s think about it because wouldn’t it be great if you were that person?
Really! You could be that person who shows a level of kindness not seen very much in today’s world. Wouldn’t it be great if people said about you: “She makes me feel important every time we meet and he makes me feel valued.”
Why does this seem like such a farfetched idea? Is it silly to want someone to make you feel special in an honest and friendly way? I don’t think so, in fact I think most of us would love to have a friend like that or be treated that way by our current network of friends.
When I ask, “How about you being known to be this kind of person who makes everyone feel like somebody,” I am sure I heard a collective sigh. “Well, Deb, you just don’t understand. So-and-so hurt my feelings, they forgot my birthday, they said something unkind to me…” and the sorry-list goes on and on.
I know it is hard to overlook a slight or to really think about forgiving someone and maintaining the friendship. But if you want to grow past that part of your personality, consider being the person who makes others feel valued. And the great thing is you can start today.
I am not encouraging you to be a fake. If you don’t feel like being a person who is kind, encouraging and thoughtful, then let’s not do it. Because if it is fake that will cause you more harm than good. You can just keep on being your grumpy self.
But if you want people to come to your funeral and say nice things and mean it (and not just come to make sure you’re dead), you might want to consider making a few changes in your daily interactions with others.